Solitude in Cycling

Cycling clubs have never been for me. The idea of having to meet new people fills me with overpowering social anxiety. An anxiety that I can do very much without. An anxiety I had to pretend didn’t exist when I worked in retail. Pretending to be happy, when all I wanted to do was crawl away and hide in a dark corner. It is funny the things that money makes us do.

Now, I’ll just go on a ride on my own. I still face anxieties about riding but going riding I am trying to get away from the other everyday anxieties. The anxieties that want me to stay in bed. The anxieties that do not want me to open that door. I want to go and not be bothered by anyone.

I want it to be just me. Me alone out there pushing that one gear around, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, mostly just trying to get away from the world by being more in the world.

I don’t want to think. I want to switch off and take in the views. I do not want to talk. Talking leads to anxieties. Nobody to talk to allows freedom. Freedom from my own mind. My mind that I feel is trying to destroy me at times. A mind that is I am sure, not my own.

I cycle to bathe in solitude.

It allows me to live, it gives me hope, it gives me inspiration, it causes pain that is not existential, it provides me with an escape.

I am not saying that cycling in a club or a group is bad. It is just not for me. I am sure we all have our own reasons for cycling. Be it because it is trendy. You like wearing Lycra (who am I to judge). Flying down the side of a mountain fills you with joy, not fear. You need to get to work. Your car has died.

There are as many different reasons to cycle as there are people in the world.

I cycle to bathe in solitude.

Thanks for reading.

 

3 thoughts on “Solitude in Cycling

  1. I share your views on clubs but it can be nice to ride with someone now and then. At the moment I find the “switching off” very hard and am a little scared of the amount of head space cycling alone gives me, as things go round and round and round my head. Bad things.

    Lovely post thank you, and here are some thoughts I have on riding alone and together for what they are worth

    https://deaddeerblog.wordpress.com/2017/07/31/riding-with-a-pal/

    Like

    1. Yeah, it is hard switching off. I try and use my legs as a way to do that, a little pain helps to direct thoughts elsewhere.

      I find it better than being in the house where the thoughts pile up on top each other. Slowly taking away any enjoyment I can have in life.

      If I tend to go out with people I tend to go to a skate park, it feels a safer place to me. Somewhere I can go and not worry about being me.

      Liked by 1 person

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