Descent Master

You know when you want to ride your bike but not pedal, do it indoors, and look like an idiot? Thankfully someone has worked hard to take your money and help you achieve that.

I remember at school when they told us that Scottish people invented things because of the Enlightenment. Before Maxwell light did not exist, after he invented it we could all see the world for the horror that it is.

So we invented the pedal bicycle and macadamised roads so we could easily get away from the horrors of the world. We followed that up with tubular steel and pneumatic tyres to make sure it was comfy.

In a forerunner to Strava, we gave you Universal Standard Time so you could easily work out how long it took you to cycle to places. We gave you logarithms so you could then create fanciful excuses on why the time you took was actually less and that you were actually super fast.

We gave you statistical graphs so you could work out how to present your new Strava records in a fun and entertaining way.

We developed the hypodermic needle to make cycling round France that little bit easier. We then put it to better use by discovering insulin, as the eating of tablet has repercussions.

To help car drivers, St Andrews University created Metaflex so that when car drivers run you over, they can genuinely say they didn’t see you.

All of this though counts for nothing though until we invented the true life-changing creation of the Descent Master. The Descent Master is designed to help you be a better cyclist by allowing you to pretend to turn your bike in a plank position. Sadly though, riding your bike outside achieves exactly the same results and if you want to boost your arm strength, you could even fire out a few press-ups.

The problem is riding your bike and doing press-ups costs the grand sum of fuck all. How can we expect businesses to survive if we just get on and do activities and don’t give companies money? Capitalism will collapse.

I mean we all know you’ll buy the Descent Master, use it once, put it in a cupboard, and one day you’ll search that cupboard, and it’ll fall out, land on your foot, and break your big toe. Can you live with yourself for not purchasing it now?



2 thoughts on “Descent Master

  1. I don’t quite get all the references despite being of Scottish descent (and Irish and others), but I think you’re quite hilarious, and since you have a bike blog like me I am following you back. And hope to actually read it though I’m barely able to write mine and my book and bike and find a job. Thanks for that by the way. Anyhoo, as we say sometimes in ‘merikuh, rubber side down, laddie!

    Liked by 1 person

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